I Need To Be Gentler With Myself

Rewiring The Brain

 

Did you know that childhood experiences could wire one’s brain in a way that could cause one to create perceptions in adulthood, that might or might not be the truth?

When I was a little girl, Dad was incarcerated for alternative political views. However when he was released, he had continued to hold political views that were not aligned with the establishment, and was still quite vocal about it amongst his friends.   I felt that when the family had already walked through the struggle of his detention, he should just stop taking too hard a stand against the establishment and learn to be more open to the intent behind some of these policies and indeed be more open to the political opinions of others.  I blamed Dad’s continuous anti-establishment rhetoric on my not being important enough for him to just “shut up”.  When my parents chided me for grades that were not within the top percentile, I blamed it on my not being intelligent enough and my lack of discipline.  When my brother hurt himself while playing as a toddler, his nanny told my parents that I had bullied him, and of course I had a scolding for it.  I blamed that incident on my failure to take better care of him. 

 
That wiring in my brain had over time, made me extremely critical of myself.  When my performance appraisals at work saw general comments like “needs improvement”,  I blamed it on the fact that I might not have delivered a project well, had not been detailed enough with my work or perhaps I was too lax in the management of my team.  When I struggled at the gym with boxing, always making the same mistakes repeatedly, I blamed it on my age and my lack of agility.  When my Mom fell a few months ago on her way to church, I blamed it on the fact that I had not spent enough time with her and had not taken better care of her.   When my son went through the phase of acting like an imbecilic teenager by spending lavishly on his girlfriend without thought of the value of money, and covering up his lack of control over his expenditure with lies to David and I, I blamed it on my failure as a mother.

 

Putting So Much Pressure On Myself

 
I spent the weekend talking to Mom, to my best friend Molly, and then to my mentor Alixe last night and there was a common thread that ran through each of their advice. They said that I was putting too much pressure on myself.  Every day, I juggled multiple roles, trying to be a good marketer at work, a counselor and mentor with my clients, a student at my boxing training, a mother, wife, and daughter at home.  I had inevitably placed my own set of evaluation criteria on myself within each of these roles, trying to over-achieve all the time, trying to please everybody, and trying my best to take care of everyone’s needs but my own.  In some of these situations, I had bitten off more than I can chew, taking on everyone else’s responsibilities and worrying for the people in my life that mattered most to me. 
 

Last night, I drew a circle on a piece of paper and wrote the names of the people within my network that were closest to me. I then wrote a bunch of words that automatically described my immediate thoughts about them and things I had done for them or wished to do for them.  Finally I circled the words that were repeated most.  These were the words that got circled the most -  Save, Support, Salvage, Nurture,  Heal, Sorry, Please.  These words told a story of how I had always felt I had never given enough, done enough or delivered enough.  There was always something I had to save someone from.  There was always a situation I had to salvage for someone.  There was always someone that needed my support.  There was always someone I had to continuously nurture.  There was always someone that had an open wound that needed continuously healing. There was always someone I needed to please. There was always someone I felt so sorry to, for not being able to further save, support, salvage, please or heal. So I often held myself accountable for someone else’s issues or mistakes.

 
Being Gentle To Myself

 
Acknowledging my own limitations and my need to draw that boundary around me, I  decided today that I had to be gentler to myself.  I had to stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems, faults and failings.   I needed to take time out to rest for a bit.  I needed space from some people.  I needed time to nourish my soul and nurture my mind, body and spirit back to a state where I can take back control of my personal power.

 
Taking Care Of Me

 
So I will take care of myself over the next few weeks. 

 
I had to stop being anxious about Joel and his lack of accountability for his frivolous spend. Whatever little he earned from his national service stint belonged to him after all and he had every right to spend it in the way he wanted to. How he managed his money today would go a long way to teaching him about the value of savings and wealth management as he grows older, manages a career, owns his own home and have a family in the future. 

 

I had to stop nagging David about his lack of discipline with regard to his diet.  His health was his responsibility. The quality of life that he wanted to live in future as he got older, would be determined by how he managed his health, lifestyle and fitness today.

 
I had to stop stressing about Mom’s well-being and whether or not she was getting enough attention from me. Mom had a huge circle of friends, and she was often surrounded by my uncles, aunt and cousins who often spent time with her. She would have to assume full responsibility over the way she wanted to design her new lifestyle after my Dad had passed on.

 
I had to stop getting annoyed, when certain clients did not take my advice and kept returning to consult with me on the same issues. They were afterall masters of their own destinies and needed to take charge of their own happiness by choosing to accept things that they could not change, or make changes to things that they could.

 
 I had to stop being “mother-hen” to my team at work, worrying that they would get bullied by other senior managers when I could not be at certain meetings.  I needed to trust that my team members are capable enough of fighting their own battles as these experiences were essential to their development as future leaders.

 
What impacted my emotions most would often be the people and things I cared about most.  On hindsight, I felt grateful for the angst, anxiety, anger, sadness, frustrations, disappointments and all the negativity from incidents that had triggered my feelings of fear of lack of control, lack of approval, and lack of security because these feelings helped me acknowledge my vulnerability and my own need for help, support, nurturing and space. 

 
So, be warned. When I need a hand to hold, I would be asking you for it soon.  When I need space and time to myself,  please know that I am not trying to avoid you.  When I indulge in a few more glasses of wine than usual outside of my cheat day, please try not to judge me for my ill discipline.  When I need to go for a vacation longer than I had planned, please allow me that time to take care of me.

 
What I truly need most now  though, is to go walk barefoot on the grass, listen to birds sing, feel the wind in my face, hug a tree and feel the wet sand between my toes at the beach. Please try not to think I am "hippy-wierd".

 
I am just learning to be gentler with myself.

 

About The Writer

The writer of this blog post is a Marketing and PR professional for over 20 years.  Due to her love for Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), she is also a freelance sports writer on the side, contributing MMA-related articles to several sports media.  She works in partnership with her husband, David Ash, who is an avid sports photographer from www.singaporemaven.com.  She is passionate about Boxing and nurtures a dream to fight competitively one day when her coach stops making fun of her.  She is also a psychic intuitive by birth and runs a consultancy that does tarot and numerology readings under her brand, Sun Goddess Tarot.  This blog is affectionately called "The Crazy AngMo" as she is married to one, although she has not yet explained to THE Ang Mo that when translated, he has been labeled  “the bloke with ginger hair”.  

Whatever

Whatever

 I used this term often and it had become the “salve” that helped my team at work move on to focus on more important issues when they faced obstacles or came in contact with colleagues that were not willing to play within the  established rules of engagement.

At home, I used it when David and I had differing opinions about certain decisions, or when Joel turned into an  angsty monosyllabic creature after a tiff with his girlfriend.  I used it when the dogs had decided that together, there was a greater chance of opening a packet of crisps that fell off the dining table, when one held on to the edge of the packet and the other tore at it with his teeth.

 This term was not a reflection of an apathetic attitude nor was it a reflection of a lack of passion.  Rather, it was a reflection of knowing which battles were worth fighting for, and an acknowledgement that challenges will exist no matter how prepared we were.  So why not turn them into opportunities?   It was also a reflection of our appreciation for the differences in our highly interesting world filled with quirky people and bumpy roads.  Life would have been mundanely monochromatic without them.

Appreciating The Differences

David’s approach to the Chinese New Year celebrations underscored my point about appreciating the differences around him.  He was not new to the Chinese culture having spent half his life in this part of the world from Hong Kong to Singapore.  However, what I thought most remarkable was his appreciation of what was beyond the cultural celebrations but also the cultural expectations of his role as the son-in-law of the eldest child of the Ong family.  He took that role seriously, even when it meant ferrying my parents around when they needed his “ferrying service”, visiting my parents weekly, paying respect to my Granny and my parents on the first day of Chinese New Year, and eating whatever my Mum served at the table even when it looked like it was still moving.  David just went with the flow, embraced the whole family traditions and accepted the family quirks with this attitude – Whatever.

When we attended mass every Sunday as a family,  he went with the flow of the service and stood when he was required to, sat when he was required to and sang the hymns when he was required to, in between laughing at the old lady sitting next to him, who went off key.  When he was required to “offer a sign of peace”, he even politely bowed to that same old lady next to him, bowed to the other church-goers who sat  behind us, and gave me a kiss on my forehead.  For an atheist who had no concept of a divine being unless he could whip up an exquisite Banoffi pie, I truly appreciated the way he tagged along and just went with the flow of the service with the same attitude – Whatever.

Acknowledging That Challenges Exists No Matter What

At work, the same attitude - Whatever - governed the way we managed issues.  When big projects got unceremoniously dropped on our laps, we just took control and did what we could to launch them successfully.  These provided me with the opportunity to showcase the team’s strengths and highlighted their respective talents.  When the going got tough, the tough just kept going at it.  And the trick was to stay focused on the deliverables.  When obstacles got in the way, we would mutter “Whatever” under our breath and just got on with it.  We knew where best to invest our time and energy – on the projects – instead of mulling over obstacles, grieving over nay-sayers and nitpicking over the nitwitted ideas of marketers-want-to-be.

This morning, we encountered a colleague who snapped at us because she thought she was the only  one who had to deal with issues on a daily basis.   Funnily, my entire team has never snapped under pressure.  They were always composed, calmed and assured of their skills enough to get on with it.  To that colleague, we said, “Whatever.”  The opportunity presented itself for the rest of the company to see what a complete idiot she had made herself to be.

Picking The Right Battles

 Whenever my day did not turn out the way it should, I would just throw my hands up in the air and say, “Whatever,“  before taking a walk for a wee while.  Those precious few minutes should not be underrated because they gave me time to think about which battles were worth fighting for. 

 Lately, Joel had not been joining David and I, when we went out for dinner or a movie.  For one, he would do anything possible not to be seen with us two old fogies.  It was just “not cool”.  Secondly, he had his social life down to pat, what with a girlfriend and a busy schedule with his industrial attachment at the hospital.  I missed him tremendously but…oh well, whatever…If he needed me, he would know where to find me.
  
Whatever – The Magic Word

Whatever had become a magical word that swept the frustrations, grief, anxieties and anger away.  It kept us more focused, hence more productive.  It made life much easier because with that word, we all learnt to just get along with each other, even when we had differences of opinions.   We learnt to accept each others’ quirks and dismissed them as “WHATEVER”.  We opened our hearts and minds to new experiences, because we approached every challenge along the way with this attitude -  “WHATEVER”.  It turned differences in opinions into friendly banter when "WHATEVER" was used as a response to skeptics who thought my gifts as a Tarot reader and Numerologist was "wanky". 

When I posted the word "WHATEVER" as my Facebook status update, a friend asked, "Really, Jo? Whatever? Not like you at all."  I answered, "Yeah. Whatever. This is the year that I shall not sweat the small stuff, shall not bother with small-minded people, and shall not bear  grudges within me.  Whatever."

Try it from time to time.  It might save you from bursting a blood vessel just because some things did not go your way.   


About the writer:

The writer of this blog post is a 44 year old mother of one, who spreads her time between her day job as a marketing professional at a financial institution, her hobby as a certified professional tarot reader and numerologist, and her family which includes a 20 year old son and 3 dogs with personality disorders.  She's married to a Scot who has been affectionately called "The Crazy AngMo" and prays that he does not find out that the term when translated, has labeled him as a "Ginger Head".   Together, we create a home made up with more nuts than a fruitcake but filled with plenty of love.

Photo credit: David Ash, www.singaporemaven.com