Writing From The Heart

Writing From The Heart

It had been almost a year that I had made that conscious choice to stop writing for a while.  All these years, every word written for my blog was done out of my hope to share a point of view that I felt strongly about.

Increasingly, I found this difficult to do as I tried very hard to juggle writing about what was truly authentic to me, with managing the sensitivities of others.  “Was that post about me?”, seemed to be the  frequent text message I woke up to in the morning.

I even had my husband once told me to “take down that blog post because while you don’t have to deal with them, I do.”  That became the cause of our regular rows where he maintained that I needed to have more tact while I insisted that the world needed to be aware of the difference between what was true and the pre-engineered fizzy koolaid that they had been sold.  My father had always taught me to be true to myself under any circumstance, and he brought me up in an environment where he encouraged me to fully express myself.  I found it hard to come to terms with having my voice stifled because I had to be mindful of what others thought.

When I had to start thinking about being sensitive to the feelings of others, taking into account the ramifications my writing might potentially cause with every word I wrote in my blog, and every post I published across my social media platforms, I decided that I could no longer pen another word in my blog.  I also decided to veer towards neutral topics across my social media platforms, sticking to the regular fitness and food posts.  But I became more disillusioned as months and days passed by, simply because I lost my sense of self.  I was no longer writing or speaking from my heart.

When I cut out the writing out of my life for a while, and made myself devoid of that only channel for self-expression that I was most familiar with, I was forced to deal with my emotions on my own by internalizing them.  I  withdrew into myself and walked through an introspective journey for a year.

The past year had been a year of deep learning for me about myself.  I learnt to accept my vulnerability – it was okay to feel that deep sense of hurt and disappointment, nurse it, then move on.  I learnt the importance of drawing the line between interpersonal relationships – friends, colleagues, staff, clients, family, and acquaintances, each of them had a role to play in my life and I should not be setting almost equal expectations on them.  I learnt that no matter how much I could do to pull family members, a team, a situation, a crisis, together and lead from the front, the honest truth, was that I had to stop being the school principal all the time, trying to get everyone to play on equal footing at the playground.  I learnt that when someone has a problem, it was not my problem.  I could not keep taking on that responsibility to try to solve it for him or her.   I learnt to make peace with my inner child – a traumatic past in my childhood need no longer bind me in fear, anger and hatred.  I learnt the value of forgiveness – more than anything else, letting go of hurt and anger was not about acknowledging that a dishonest, hurtful situation did not take place.  It was just my way of giving myself peace of mind.

So if I had to fill the pages of my blog with every incident that described this path of learning, I would not have enough pages left.   I was determined not to let my hurt and disappointment experienced, cast a shadow of doubt on the people I had invested time and energy over the years as  I tried to lift and inspire them with positivity. 

I felt that if I could no longer fill the pages of my blog with authenticity, then I could no longer write that blog. 

This point of view also took a toll on my passion for freelance writing for sports events.    I was disillusioned when I was delivered key messages about athletes during interviews, that had been “massaged” by their PR teams, painting them to be “inspirers of community with a personality governed by humility and a great work ethic..” then see a couple of them behave like depraved thugs.  How could I bring myself to share an article with the public with the objective of convincing them about how wonderful an athlete might be when he clearly was not?  Strangely enough, the current environment was one where many took a dig at fake news.   I was not going to be a perpetrator of fake news.

The start of my recuperation from all of last year’s “bullshit” came in the form of a family trip back to the UK.  I stopped writing.  I just took lots of photos.  Writing could hide my disillusionment. Photos could not. When I had to be present to my family for 3 weeks in the UK, I spent less time on emails as well as reading through all the social media news.  I just made time for self and I had meaningful conversations with my family.  I had no contact with drama, toxicity, inauthenticity and anything that drained me.  And most importantly, I came out of that trip making a pact with myself, that I would always choose to walk away from any form of drama and never allow anyone or anything to invade my peace. I would never allow anyone to feed me with untruths and expect me to sell otherwise.  I would never allow anyone to tell me to stop writing or saying something, just because it would “open a can of worms” and not aligned to what was written on that label pasted on that pre-engineered fizzy koolaid. If I was forced to do anything, or say anything  outside of my values, I would rather not have anything to do with it. 

I am starting to write again.  Slowly just getting back into it. I remain adamant about walking in the light of what is true, never writing or saying something unless it came from the heart.

 

About The Writer

The writer of this blog post is a Marketing and PR professional for over 20 years.  She is a passionate observer of life bent on inspiring others to live life positively through her writing by combing through moments worth celebrating every day.   Due to her ardent love for sports especially boxing and MMA, she is also a freelance sports writer on the side, contributing articles to several sports media when time permits.  She works in partnership with her husband, David Ash, who is an avid sports photographer from www.singaporemaven.com.  She enjoys Boxing and nurtures a dream to fight competitively one day when her coach stops making fun of her.  She is also a psychic intuitive by birth and runs a consultancy that does tarot and numerology readings under her brand, Sun Goddess Tarot.  This blog is affectionately called "The Crazy AngMo" as she is married to one, although she has not yet explained to THE Ang Mo that when translated, he has been labeled  “the bloke with ginger hair”.  

Making Peace With My Inner Child

I did not like kids. They were tiresome, demanding, and often a potential liability in a way that required my making plans around them.  When Joel was little, I was every parent’s nightmare when it came to my turn to babysit the children or do the school run.  My way of entertaining these kids was to feed them with a buffet of sweets, chocolates, crisps and lots of fizzy drinks while I did my aerobics in front of the TV.

 

On days I hosted the baby group, I would have some of these kids’ parents calling me at night to complain that their children were hyperactive from the sugar overload or had lost their appetite for dinner. 

 

My Weekend Getaway

 

When the girls at work planned a weekend getaway in Malacca recently, I was informed that Susan was going to have her daughter, Sophie, come along with us. I was worried initially.  A weekend trip away with the girls always meant miles of walking, eating lots of spicy Malaysian food, and plenty of coffee stops.  “Did that sound kid-friendly to you, Susan?”  I thought.

 

I decided to keep my mind open.  A 5-hour bus ride to Malacca could be a nightmare with her running up and down the aisle of the bus with little or no chance of me gagging and tying her to the roof of the bus.  I decided, the fizzy drinks, sweets, chocolates and crisps tactic would not work if I wanted to have a peaceful nap for 5 hours.

 

Well, I was wrong about kids.  At least, I was wrong about this kid.  I did have a peaceful bus-ride.  I did have a weekend filled with so much fun and laughter. I did walk miles, shopped and ate plenty of spicy Malaysian food, with little Sophie in tow.

 

Little Miss Sunshine

 

After a great weekend, my post-vacation blues really was not inspired about missing Malacca, its food, its café culture and its history.  I realized it was inspired by my missing Sophie.  And here’s why.

 

Sophie sprinkled a lot of sunshine throughout our trip.  She made us laugh with her antics, especially when she choreographed her special “jelly dance” to entertain us.   She chattered non-stop, and every opinion from her was made from the observation of a pure and innocent heart of a child. 

 

Her inquisitive nature inspired her to ask many questions.  I saw her learning new things, shaping her perceptions with everything she touched, heard and experienced.

 

She taught us to let our hair down, and look at everything and everyone around Malacca through the eyes of a child.  From that vantage point, we saw everything from a fresh perspective.  A wall mural was not just a wall mural.  We played with it and engaged with a piece of art on the wall just to have a wee bit of fun.

 

We became children again.  We visited the Mamee Cup Noodle factory on Jonker street, decorated our own cups and customized our own cup noodle ingredients.  It was like a school excursion.

 

We were not fussy about sticking to the breakfast, lunch and dinner routine.  We ate when we wanted to eat and with an adventurous spirit, tried all kinds of food that I would otherwise not have tried. 

 

Sophie’s love for life, inspired us to live the moment, enjoy the now, appreciate every little thing around us. Without her, I would be spending the trip checking my emails every hour on the hour like I usually did when I travelled.

 

I was grateful for Little Miss Sunshine’s presence throughout our weekend getaway.  Sometimes, children can teach us so much more than we would ever admit.  The most important lesson from her for me, was that, if I wanted to live the moment and truly love my life, I needed to start with an open mind.

 

 

Postscript:  Now I would usually have thought that I  had lost my mind to be drawing something like this together with Sophie during our bus-ride home from Malacca. However, on looking back at it,  this was to me, our most beautiful piece of artwork together!

About The Writer

The writer of this blog post is a Marketing and PR professional for over 20 years.  Due to her love for Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), she is also a freelance sports writer on the side, contributing MMA-related articles to several sports media.  She works in partnership with her husband, David Ash, who is an avid sports photographer from www.singaporemaven.com.  She is passionate about Boxing and nurtures a dream to fight competitively one day when her coach stops making fun of her.  She is also a psychic intuitive by birth and runs a consultancy that does tarot and numerology readings under her brand, Sun Goddess Tarot.  This blog is affectionately called "The Crazy AngMo" as she is married to one, although she has not yet explained to THE Ang Mo that when translated, he has been labeled  “the bloke with ginger hair”.  

 

 

Letting Go Of Fear

Letting Go Of Fear

 

How many times have we anticipated discomfort or danger and would provide every excuse to avoid it or plan to the T with 4 contingency plans to manage it?
 

These few weeks, I learnt a few things about letting go of fear.  The good thing was that I realized it did not take special skills.  You did not need strength, courage, determination or any fluffy concept that you could create a cringe-worthy motivational poster from, to let go of fear.  All these just focused on one's "ego self".  Letting go of fear was really about making room in your heart to trust the people around you to hold your hand when you are afraid to take a step forward into an uncomfortable space.

 

Fear Of Drowning

 

 

During a family holiday in Phuket recently, we enjoyed a wonderful stay at a huge villa perched on top of a hill, overlooking the beach.  It was gorgeous.  It came with a jacuzzi bath big enough for 2 people and a pool that thankfully was not quite the size of a bird bath. 

 

David, Joel and I spent most of our vacation floating about in the pool.  Mom however, spent the initial couple of days relaxing on the deck chair, reading or stuffing her face with nuts and chips.  We finally convinced her that the water level in the pool was shallow and unless she was built like a hobbit, her feet would be able to touch the bottom of the pool.

 

She was terrified of water.  She almost drowned as a child when she was riding in a little small boat or “sampan” and swore never to go anywhere near a pool, river or beach ever again. 

 

However, after some gentle persuasion, and knowing that she could trust the 3 of us to hold her in case she slipped in the pool, she gingerly made her way into the water, fully clothed and one hand clung tightly to me and the other to the side of the pool.  We were very pleased that she had let go of her fear of drowning and joined the family inside the pool. 

 

Although it was the one and only time she used the pool, and of course we were not expecting her to do the back-stroke in it, we were extremely happy that at least, she tried.   

 

She managed to let go of her fear, and let it be.

 

Mom's first steps into the pool after so many years.  She's grabbing to the side of the pool for dear life.

 

Fear Of Not Catching Up

 

This week, Joel enlisted into the army to fulfil his 2-year national service obligation.   As I was anxious about his fitness level, I hired a personal trainer 2 months before his enlistment to put him through a fitness routine that could prepare him for the rigors of military training.

 

When the day of his enlistment arrived, he was quite calm and composed.  He packed his bag on his own, gathered the necessary documents, rounded up the family and then we made our way together to the Basic Military Training Camp.  Along the way, I checked on him repeatedly just to be sure that he was emotionally calmed and mentally prepared.  He then quietly told me, “Mom, I am excited about the new experience ahead of me. I am looking forward to a new life in the army.  However I am worried I would not be able to catch up.”

 

There you go.  Fear. 

 

So I spent some time talking to him about how the army was going to take care of him.  They would make every effort to ensure that the boys would be able to catch up with each other and acclimatize to military life before allowing them to advance in the next stage of their training.   I told him that what was more important was that he embraced this new life with an open heart and an open mind, and treat each situation as a learning curve that will contribute to his growth and development. The commander of the camp even addressed the anxious group of parents and the boys, quite transparently explaining the entire training regime, objectives and expectations. He assured me that my son was in good hands. As if it was a sign, we spotted an old friend who was one of the officers in charge of the company.  That put Joel's mind at ease.

 

Well, he was allowed to make one phone call to me every night and I am very pleased that he rattled non-stop about the fun he was having, although he could not remember his buddy’s name and he could not recognize the meat from the vegetable in the meals provided.

 

I guess he will survive the 2 years of military service with ease. He managed to let go of his fear and let it be.

The day before his enlistment when he still had hair.
 

Welcome to military life

The bed at the soldiers' quarters looked quite comfy.

Standard military issue.  I hope Joel doesn't lose it during field camp.

This was Joel's first meal at the cookhouse.  It's possibly his best meal at the cookhouse.

Fear Of Not Meeting Expectations

 

 

With Mom and Joel letting go of their respective fears, where did that leave mine?  I spent a sleepless 2 weeks worrying about the visit of my company’s global board of directors and the global executives.  Many regional colleagues had regaled about the fabulous experience the board and executives had when they made market visits in the last few years.  I was so worried that I could not meet with their expectations when they visited our market, especially when our resources were limited.
 

The best thing that happened during the board and executives’ visit was that the entire team banded together, and worked very long hours to create a fool-proof logistical plan to manage this visit.  To transfer almost 20-30 people across the island to several meeting venues and activities was terribly challenging.  There were last minute changes to the plans, last minute requests and last minute issues that sent the team spiraling into a whirlwind of confusion.  However, in the end, we managed to make the right things happen at the right time.  There was no magic formula.  All it took was great teamwork, empathy, generosity of time, positivity of spirit.  We banded together through the rough patches and we did meet the expectations of the regional bosses after all. 

 

This experience taught me the invaluable lesson that I should learn to let go of my fears, trust the team more and just let it be. I should have trusted that the project was in the hands of very capable people who managed it with a lot of pride in their work.

What a fabulous looking team!
 

The amazing team who made it all happen.  I am so grateful to them for their generosity of time and energy, their teamwork, empathy and for  keeping the spirits up. I could never have done it without them.

 

About The Writer

The writer of this blog post is a Marketing and PR professional for over 20 years.  Due to her love for Mixed Martial Arts (MMA), she is also a freelance sports writer on the side, contributing MMA-related articles to several sports media.  She works in partnership with her husband, David Ash, who is an avid sports photographer from www.singaporemaven.com.  She is passionate about Muay Thai and nurtures a dream to fight competitively one day when her coach stops making fun of her.  She is also a psychic intuitive by birth and runs a consultancy that does tarot and numerology readings under her brand, Sun Goddess Tarot.  This blog is affectionately called "The Crazy AngMo" as she is married to one, although she has not yet explained to THE Ang Mo that when translated, he has been labeled  “the bloke with ginger hair”.